When was the last time you asked for help…in any area of life…whether it was something big or small?

For many of us, it may have been a real long time ago.

We could spend a great deal of time discussing why we don’t ask for help, but suffice to say, many of us do not ask for help. We typically march on until disaster strikes and we have blown our cover-up, or we fall short of a goal because we stubbornly tried to go it alone.

As we continue on our journey to build and strengthen our character, having the courage to ask for help can strengthen our relationship with others and make positive strides towards reaching our full potential.

Let’s face it, we all could use some help. Whether at work, home or in our community, a little help could go a long way in achieving a goal or objective.

Some of the typical excuses we make for not asking for help are (a) We have this stubborn myth that men and women should be self-reliant, and only the weak need and ask for help (b) We don’t want to be a burden to others (c) We have asked for help before and been ridiculed or shamed and just don’t want to go down that path again.

Like many situations in life, when we take our focus off ourselves and look to others, we can find some insight to support our personal growth and maturity.

When we ask someone for help, we strengthen our relationship with them because:

1. We affirm that they matter to someone else (us) in a most genuine way as we openly acknowledge they have the skills, abilities, or resources to help. By asking someone for help we meet a most important human need in them, to know that they matter.
2. We demonstrate that we trust them in a most open and vulnerable way. We acknowledge we are in a vulnerable spot and we trust them to help and not hurt. Trust is essential in building long-term healthy relationships…and we could all use a few more relationships built on trust.
3. We open a door for them to give instead of receive. We all know the truth in that it is better to give than to receive and we enable them to experience the joy of giving without any guess work.
4. We set a positive example for others to follow. We all need some help and our ability to demonstrate the courage to ask may help others to ask for help during their time of need.

As we demonstrate the courage to ask for help, we will build and strengthen our character, and Character Creates Opportunity to build strong and healthy relationships with those we care about most.

 

As the holiday season comes into full swing, many of us are preparing for some extended visits with family and friends to relax, celebrate, and probably overeat. Also, many of us may take time this season to connect with people in our community who are in real need and try to provide some temporary relief.

During this time of year, it is important to remember that psychologists, academics, and our own kitchen table experience would tell us that our greatest need beyond the basics for survival is our need to feel we belong and are accepted.

We can all relate to the positive emotional sense we feel when we know we are part of a team on the athletic field, the workplace, the community, and certainly the home.  When we join efforts with others to support a cause bigger than ourselves, we feel most alive.  Whether that cause is building a strong family, a winning basketball team, a competitive business, a community project, or the defense of a nation, the sense of belonging meets a real personal need. Knowing we are an accepted part of something bigger than ourselves is critical to our emotional health and stability.

When we become disconnected or feel rejected from a group, we struggle.  In the absence of a sense of connection to others and a cause greater than our own, we all can become susceptible to loneliness and periods of sadness that can potentially lead into depression.

As we continue on our journey to build and strengthen our character, an important opportunity for all of us this holiday season is to give the gift of genuine connection to those we care about most.

As our world gets more connected with technology, research would show that we are all at risk for minimizing the benefits of genuine connection. In addition, today’s technology enables the instant personalization of getting what we want, when we want it, and many times that fosters isolation instead of connection during our “free time” beyond school, work, and the essentials of running a home.

Social scientists would say that our technology dependent connections impact the depth of our relationships mostly because we lose empathy. Sure, emojis help with emotional connection, but it is not optimal.  I am sure we have all seen a picture of a beautiful sandy beach and I hope most of us have felt the warm touch of beach sand between our toes.  There is a difference in the connection.

As we approach these final weeks of the holiday season and the opportunity to provide the gift of a genuine connection is most available, here are a few thoughts:

• Be intentional about slowing down and spending some time looking people in the eyes, sharing a warm embrace, and listening more than talking. It would be helpful to put the devices in a basket somewhere for just a few moments.
• Conflict in the home is the most heart-breaking of all of life’s struggles. For those close relationships that may have grown cold over the year (or over several years), use the holiday season as momentum to act with courage and reconnect with them using the helpful guideposts of empathy, humility, and a genuine desire to repair the damage.
• There is no single action that makes an individual feel like they matter more than when we help someone in need. When we find ourselves at a low point during the holidays (which is very common, despite the overload of “happiness” we see posted on social media), find a charitable organization and see where to help. It will make a difference in the lives of others and ourselves.

It takes an intentional effort to give the gift of connection to those around us. However, as we make the effort to build stronger connections with those closest to us, we will build and strengthen our character and Character Creates Opportunity to contribute to the emotional health and well-bring of those we care about most.

The Voice…not that one, but the voice in our heads.

In case you have not yet accepted the reality of our situation, let me reinforce a simple truth, life continues to get more complicated and uncertain. Whether in the home, workplace, or community, the rate of change, across so many mediums, is staggering to think about. These changes can bring about some of our biggest fears and some of our biggest hopes.

Over the course of the last few weeks, I happen to have separate conversations with a few close childhood friends. In addition to reconnecting on some wonderful memories, we all came to a similar conclusion after 50+ years of living that “I did not think it would be this difficult.” It being life, family, work, and making it all come together just like we had hoped it would.

Sure, many things in prior generations were just simply “swept under the rug” and not discussed. It seems like now we are all a little more willing to open up and put our lives “on the table,” but regardless, life is continuing to get more complicated.

As we continue on our journey to build and strengthen our character, it is important that we have some healthy guardrails in place to train and guide The Voice we all have inside our head.

We all have The Voice that comes out at various moments to either cheer us on, remind us of our shortcomings, spitefully tell us “see I told you so” or encourage us to look forward with hope or with fear.

Here are few ideas to help ensure we establish some healthy guardrails to hear more of the encouraging side of our Voice and less of the discouraging side of our Voice:

• The Gap: We become what we think about…more often than not. We still have ultimate control over those thoughts in the gap between our situation and our response. If we can pause and fill that gap with principled thoughts around hope, sacrifice, and courage, we can respond more effectively to the situations we face.
• Perspective: We are on a journey that inevitably will have some ups and downs. Keeping a perspective that the passage of time is our best counselor will help us remain on track towards our goal of maintaining peace of mind through the valleys and the mountain top experiences of our lives.
• Reality: We can’t effectively address all our challenges alone. Being intentional about building healthy relationships and taking a risk to be vulnerable in opening up about ourselves to build those relationships will foster a support structure that will help us withstand life’s challenges.
• Step by Step: Focus on moving forward one day at a time. Yes, it is important to have a long-term game plan that seeks to achieve peace, purpose, and positive impact. However, in the often dark valleys of our journey, just putting one foot in front of the other and taking life day by day is the most effective way to carry-on.

As we focus on maintaining some healthy guardrails to support The Voice inside our own heads, we will build and strengthen our character and Character Creates Opportunity to reach our full potential and have a positive impact on those we care about most.

If we are honest with ourselves, we all desire a quick fix to what ails us.  There must be a simple pill, an “easy” button, or a conference we can attend to pump us up enough to address our greatest challenges immediately with a few simple steps. And if that does not work, lottery winnings can ensure that plenty of money will take care of everything.

We all know the odds of winning the lottery are very slim, but the potential for a massive quick fix always taps into a deep yearning within all of us.  With regards to money and the quick fix, I think Sigmund Freud said it best when he described that given a choice between treating rich or poor patients, he would always choose rich because they already know that money will not solve their most difficult problems.

As we continue on our journey to build and strengthen our character, we need to genuinely confront the areas in our lives where we are still silently waiting for a quick fix to our challenges. Just like winning the lottery, the odds are stacked against us, so the most effective choice is to plan and prepare to make steady progress in the right direction to address our most challenging struggles…and start working the plan.

If I were to ask you, “What are the most difficult problems you face today?”  What would you say?

Once we move beyond the myth of the quick fix, we can begin to make progress in addressing our most difficult problems.  The consistent, daily implementation of effective habits, not an intervention of the next “great” idea, is the only proven method for addressing our greatest struggles in life.

Here are a few thoughts on the habits we can make part of our routine:

1. Do we care enough to solve this one? This is a helpful question to ask as solving our most difficult problems will take effort and focus every single day.  We can’t do everything, so answering this question will help narrow our efforts to what matters most in life.
2. Do we know what it looks like in the end? Clearly being able to see what the goal is will help keep us remain on a consistent path.  The clearer we have the goal defined, the better our chances of achievement.
3. Do we believe we can achieve it? It will be incredibly difficult to effectively address our struggles if we don’t genuinely believe they can be solved.  Start to believe now.
4. Principle-based habits. We should guide our thoughts, decisions and actions based on principles like honesty, commitment, compassion, and hope as we go about our daily activities to address our most difficult problems.
5. The journey to address our greatest struggles is a life-long pursuit. Our focus should be on learning and growing as we journey along which will set a solid example for others to follow.

As we walk away from the myth of the quick fix and become intentional about delivering on the habits that will lead to effectively addressing our most difficult problems, we will build and strengthen our character and Character Creates Opportunity to reach our full potential.

“Yes – This is exactly what I need to do…I can do this!” We have all been there at some point. We start out with a great deal of energy and excitement as we head into our journey towards that next big objective in our lives.

Many times, we encounter some catalyst for change brought on by a meaningful event in our lives: A significant change in our personal life, the insightful guidance from a friend or family member, the ideas of a great speaker, or some helpful concept we read in a book or on social media. Some situation triggered our response to get motivated, to take on that next challenge, and go after another well intentioned goal. We take off from that mountain top “high” with a great deal of enthusiasm and optimism about reaching our objective.

After traveling along into our journey, we eventually find ourselves off the mountain top experience and into the valley. The valley we encounter between that initial high and the journey towards our objective is often difficult. The ability to clearly see our ultimate objective gets more challenging and somehow the journey does not seem as exciting as when we set off from the mountain top.

As we continue to work on building and strengthening our character, how we manage our mindset (or the voice inside our head) becomes a critical choice we need to make as we walk in that dark and often lonely valley.

We can all probably relate to a few “valley” moments in our lives:

• After some time of progress on our new diet and exercise routine, things slow down and we notice a few pounds creeping back on the scale
• After some time in a new job, when our coworkers and boss don’t seem as supportive as they did at the start and the work is no longer exciting
• When that “sweet bundle of joy” we brought home from the hospital becomes an angry and rebellious young adult
• When the “I do” in marriage becomes “when you know what freezes over”
• When our poor choice brings about an unfortunate outcome and there is no hiding from the consequence

On a much lighter note, but still a meaningful, teaching moment about the valleys of life, is the new puppy in our home. After a few weeks with a cute puppy running around in the yard and plenty of time and people around the Thanksgiving holiday to share the workload are suddenly replaced with a winter blizzard, post-holiday busy schedules, and that familiar nighttime question, “Ok, whose turn is it to take the dog out?”, you can find yourself wandering around in the dark a few too many times.

We could all come up with a good laundry list of excuses when we are struggling in the valley and some of them are completely legitimate. Storms do come in life and destroy much of what we tried to build. Tragedy does strike. People do fail to keep up their end of the contract. However, for most of our journey, the consistent application of timeless and universal principles like faith, perseverance, commitment, and hope will rarely cause us to fall short of crossing through the dark valley and reaching the next mountain top high in our journey.

Here are a few ideas to help us move through the valley as best as possible and up to the next mountain top:

1. Set priorities. We cannot do everything. It is important to be selective and declare a clear “yes” or a clear “no” or at least “not now” so our energy can be channeled into a few important goals.
2. Plan and prepare. “Winging it” or “going with the flow” seems to only work for cool people. For the rest of us, winging it is often a losing strategy. We need to be intentional about outlining the direction we wish to go and the habits we need to instill to ensure we keep heading in that direction. Our daily habits, especially the voice we listen to in our head, will help keep us on our intended direction even in the darkness of the valley.
3. Build hope through the momentum of habits. The mechanical process of day in, day out living by our chosen habits builds momentum. When our habits are guided by principles like perseverance, commitment, and loyalty, we build hope through the positive momentum of moving forward for another day through the valley.

As we work our way across a few valleys in our life with the help of sticking to habits based on principles, we build and strengthen our character and Character Creates Opportunity to reach that next mountain top milestone in our journey.

Even though our world continues to grow in complexity and uncertainty, it is still an amazing blessing that many of us have the opportunity at some point today to pause and celebrate Thanksgiving in America.

As we celebrate Thanksgiving today, there is no hiding the fact that we still face big challenges in building a strong family, succeeding in building a career in a hyper-competitive global marketplace, and keeping our communities safe.

As we continue on our journey to build and strengthen our character, one of the most well-proven enablers to successfully face adversity and overcome challenges is to be grateful for the many blessings in our lives. The simple act of “counting our blessings” has been proven effective to maintain our resilience and perseverance to overcome obstacles. The “proof” has been demonstrated in the stuffy halls of academia, our own real-world experience, and with psychologists and advisors all over the world. Thanksgiving is a great day to remind all of us of the power of the simple act of counting our blessings.

Several months ago, our family started “A Reason to be grateful…” jar that stays on our kitchen table. At least once a day, and sometimes several times a day, one of us will take a moment and write down a “a reason to be grateful” and toss it in the jar. As the weeks and months have passed, just physically seeing the rising stack of reasons has helped to create a slightly more positive atmosphere around the kitchen table.

The jar does not provide a remedy to the challenges we face, but it is a small, physical reminder each day that despite our challenges, we have a large and growing stack of reasons to be grateful as we continue to face the reality of our world.

As we celebrate Thanksgiving today, our time is probably filled with a bit of traveling, cooking & eating, crowds, and maybe a good football game. From our family to yours, please consider starting a journal or a jar to stack up some reasons to be grateful as I am confident it will help your family as it has helped ours.

As we become intentional about reflecting daily on the many blessings in our lives, we build and strengthen our character and Character Creates Opportunity to overcome difficult challenges and set a positive example for those we care about most.

The clock seems to be ticking all around us. We have a time schedule to keep in order to catch the train, to complete a project by the deadline, to graduate on time, to finish that much needed project around the house, and the list could go on.

If we are not very thoughtful and intentional about the schedules we keep and projects we place on our plate, we can end up just running, or just living, from one timeline after another.

As we continue on the journey to build and strengthen our character, there is a worthy timeline that often goes undetected but can make all the difference in our ability to reach our full potential and have a positive impact on those around us.

We all experience frustration and disappointment in our lives. Discontent is often the first step in bringing about change and creating something of value. Academic research and our own experience would demonstrate that we only move in the direction of making meaningful change when we are absolutely fed up with our current situation.

A worthy timeline that often goes unchecked is the time between our initial sense that change needs to happen and the time we actually begin to make meaningful progress to bring about the change. In reality, sometimes that timeline can go on forever on the most meaningful things in our lives.

The time we realize we need to continue our education, formally or informally, to remain relevant in today’s job market. The time we realize our family life is revolving around schedules and it has been a long time since we had a meaningful connection. The time we realize our waistline is growing at an unhealthy pace. The time we realize we need to get our household budget under control. The time we realize our anger has dampened the joy in our home.

The time we realize we need to make a change and when we actual starting making progress towards the desired change is a timeline worthy of our attention.

When the gap in time gets too long, we move quickly from the ranks of those with high self-awareness and a focus on reaching our potential to the ranks of mostly complainers, blamers, and excuse makers. When the timeline gets too long, eventually those around us realize we really don’t care enough to change, and our relationships begin to falter. Soon, we are on a short timeline to becoming irrelevant and losing our ability to have a positive impact on those around us.

We need to be careful that the old Credence Clearwater Revival song about “someday never comes” does not become an anthem for some of the most needed changes in our lives.

As we realize the need for change in our lives and we efficiently start making progress in an effective direction, we build and strengthen our character and Character Creates Opportunity to reach our full potential and have a positive impact on those around us.

The influence we cast in the near term becomes our legacy in the long term. We all have influence on those closest to us. The writings over the last few weeks have focused on some key principles on the pathway to having a positive influence on others.

Here is a brief summary of the prior weeks:

Part # 1 Intent: We need our intent to be aligned with a desire to help others and not focused on our own self-interest.

Open Communication: Part #2 & #3 enable a door to be opened for more effective communication.
Part #2 Listen: We need to increase our focus on listening and lessen our efforts on responding.
Part #3 Empathy: We need to build our empathy to better understand one another and try to “walk in their shoes,” see experiences from their lens, understand their perspective, and feel what they feel.

Create Connection: Part #4 & #5 create more effective personal connection with others.
Part #4 Common Experience: We all can find some areas of common experience with others. Sharing those experiences and the emotions that accompany them can create a strong personal connection with others.
Part #5 Common Learnings: Imparting wisdom based on learnings across some of our common life experiences is at the heart of positive influence and has its greatest opportunity to impact the lives of others.

Part#6
As we look to close out these writings on the pathway to positive influence, the one principle-based action that is woven throughout the pathway from start to finish is to Serve & Give; To serve others, not ourselves and to give ourselves to a cause greater than us continually strengthens the bond of relationships that are vital to a healthy, fulfilling life.

When we consistently act in the service of others and give our talents and energies to a cause greater than ourselves we set an encouraging example for others to follow. The quiet servant, far from the headlines, focused on consistently moving the cause forward through the dark uncertain valleys will more times than not, cast a positive influence on those around them.

All of those with incredible intelligence, those with a loud voice, and those well-polished speakers eventually lose their luster through time and distance, but those who remain steadfast to serve and give leave a legacy of positive impact that we would all cherish.

It is important that we acknowledge the truth that close relationships are not easy. Life is complicated and often messy. Our ability to have a positive influence throughout life’s ups and downs can be most assured when we aim to serve and give. Below are some universal truths around the importance of serving and giving:

1. Life is hard and we could all use some help (help in tough times and help to push us to reach our full potential). By serving others we can be best positioned to help those in need who often may be hesitant to admit and accept some assistance.
2. It is a greater blessing to give than receive. When we focus on giving to a cause greater than ourselves, we realize the true joy of giving.
3. We find our purpose, meaning, and lasting joy when we look to serve and give to others as opposed to continually searching for our own happiness.

When we can consistently serve and give, we foster strong relationships over time which helps us to build and strengthen our character and Character Creates Opportunity to have a positive influence on those we care about most.

We all have influence on those closest to us. Our influence, in many ways, translates into our legacy. The writings over the last few weeks have focused on some key principles on the pathway to having a positive influence on others.

Here is a brief summary of the prior weeks:

Part # 1 Intent: We need our intent to be aligned with a desire to help others and not focused on our own self-interest.

Open Communication: Part #2 & #3 enable a door to be opened for more effective communication.

Part #2 Listen: We need to increase our focus on listening and lessen our efforts on responding.

Part #3 Empathy: We need to build our empathy to better understand one another and try to “walk in their shoes,” see experiences from their lens, understand their perspective, and feel what they feel.

Create Connection: Part #4 & #5 create more effective personal connection with others.

Part #4 Common Experience: We all can find some areas of common experience with others. Sharing those experiences and the emotions that accompany them can create a strong personal connection with others.

It has been said that “experience is the mother of all learning.” How we use our experiences to learn and grow will determine our future potential. As we develop the 5^th step along the pathway of positive influence, we have the opportunity to create a greater connection with others by sharing our learnings from some common experiences that we have encountered in our journey.

Wisdom comes with time, experience, and most importantly through intentional reflection to discover some learnings from our life’s journey. Imparting wisdom based on learnings across some of our common life experiences is at the heart of positive influence.

The passing on of wisdom from generation to generation (wise old folks to the young and naïve) and from the learned journeyman to those who do not currently possess the mental or emotional capacity to learn and grow (i.e. “This is just the way I am” “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks”, “This is the way I was raised” etc.) is where the pathway to positive influence has its greatest opportunity to impact the lives of others.

Effectively sharing learnings (imparting wisdom) is a two-way street. There needs to be a willing teacher and a willing student. Below are a few additional thoughts to help share learnings and move forward along the pathway to having a positive influence on others:

• Growth vs Limitations: There is a clear difference among people in the area of learning from experience. Some of us view past experiences as opportunities to learn and grow while others of us use past experiences to reinforce some perceived limitation and shortcoming. The truth is that we reach our full potential when we view past experiences as opportunities to learn and grow. It may take some time for a “student” to acknowledge and accept that truth. Be Patient.
• Seeds of Wisdom: Learnings are best shared and received over time in bite sized chunks as opposed to a massive flood all at once. The pathway to positive influence is a long journey and there are no short-cuts or an Easy Pass to accelerate the process. Planting seeds and adhering to the truth contained in the law of the harvest that it will take time, intention, effort, and faith to reap an abundant harvest, or in this case, a legacy of positive influence on those we care about most is an important reality to accept. Be Thoughtful.
• Remember the Past: As we share learnings, taking time to consistently reinforce to others their prior experiences of overcoming, persevering, and moments of joy can be an encouragement to open the heart of a “student” and be an enabler for additional learning and growth. Be Reflective.

When we thoughtfully and humbly share learnings from some common experiences, we create greater personal connection to others and we build and strengthen our character and Character Creates Opportunity to have a positive influence on those we care about most.

Whether we care to recognize it or not, we all have influence on those closest to us. The writings over the last few weeks have focused on some key principles on the pathway to having a positive influence on others.

Here is a brief summary of the prior weeks:
Part # 1 Intent: We need our intent to be aligned with a desire to help, to serve, and to give to others.
Part #2 Listen: We need to increase our focus on listening and lessen our efforts on responding.
Part #3 Empathy: We need to build our empathy to better understand one another and try to “walk in their shoes,” see experiences from their lens, understand their perspective, and feel what they feel.

We all share some common experiences in our journey of life. Many times, we share similar emotions through life’s experience of failure and success, fear and worry during difficult experiences, and moments of joy and peace during uplifting experiences. As we develop the 4th step along the pathway of positive influence, the opportunity to connect closely with someone based on common experiences and shared emotions opens a door to have a positive influence on others.

There is often no greater connection that can be made with someone than sharing a common experience and the emotions that accompany it. Those who fear public speaking can readily connect to someone nervously getting ready to stand in front of a crowd. Those who may have had a most difficult journey through adolescence can readily connect with a teenager experiencing feelings of loneliness, isolation, and rejection. Those who have endured the pain and sadness of the breakup of a family are in a good position to relate to someone walking alone out of a broken relationship.

Discovering some common experiences and shared emotions is often helpful to build a connection to someone and create a receptive heart for influence. Those who have endured a specific experience are very often the most helpful to relate to the needs of those dealing with a similar experience.

Below are a few additional thoughts to encourage all of us to look for common experiences and the shared emotions around those experiences in order to move forward along the pathway to having a positive influence on others:

1. Be intentional about identifying common emotions like fear, worry, joy, and sadness while listening to others. Sharing experiences linked to these emotions can create a door opener for a deeper connection.
2. We all tend to feel alone in periods of suffering and enduring hardship. Being open and sharing a common struggle can often help open the door for someone to ask for help and be receptive to the positive influence of others.
3. Offering our own experiences and emotions in areas that are typically shamed or kept quiet in our guarded world may help give others the courage to more openly share their struggles and seek help.

When we look for opportunities to connect closer with others through common experiences and the emotions that surround those experiences, we build and strengthen our character and Character Creates Opportunity to have a positive influence on those we care about most.