There is a great deal of research and practical experience that demonstrates the power of the written word.  Writing down thoughts and ideas has been proven to bring clarity to our thinking and improve our ability to understand which all enable us to more effectively change our behavior.

In today’s world, there is plenty of advice from personal development gurus, life-coaches, kitchen table psychologists, etc. who would tell us that goals not written down or plans that are only talked about rarely materialize into an accomplishment.  Written words enable us time to reflect, think more clearly, and in turn, take action more effectively.

As we continue on our journey to build and strengthen our character, the written word becomes a powerful tool to make meaning progress towards any endeavor. “Winging it” is not a sustainable proposition in today’s world that continues to grow in complexity.  Written goals and plans help form the foundation for steady progress.

The below are a few areas of practical application to leverage the power of the written word:

• A Personal Journal: Throughout history, there have been numerous examples of people of impact who developed the habit of keeping a journal to help shape their attitudes, reinforce their direction in the important areas of life, and continue to make progress towards reaching their full potential.  There are a number of techniques, tools, and resources available to help us, but at the end of the day, we need to choose one that works for us and develop the habit.  We will be following in the footsteps of some pretty effective people and we should be confident that we will make progress in our ability to have a positive impact.
• Written letters to others: With today’s abundance of online chatter, it should not be lost on anyone that we rarely are givers or receivers of a genuine, well-thought out letter of appreciation, thanks, or encouragement. With the exception of the nice birthday card, holiday greeting, or a line or two of abbreviated text via social media, we probably have not received or given a well thought out letter in a long time.  Some researchers have found that receiving a written word of encouragement is more effective than any other form of communication.

In my own journey, I have found two helpful reminders that put a little fire under me to raise the bar in reaching out to others with a thoughtful and meaningful written letter:

1. When I look back over certain periods of my professional life, I have spent more time and effort writing to customers or comments to team members than I have in writing a note of encouragement or appreciation to other people in the more lasting areas of my life…perhaps you have too.
2. Observing the example of others who are raising the bar. A number of years ago, a close friend shared a story with me that has stayed with me and consistently reminds me of how important the written word can be to strengthen relationships.  When he and his siblings went away to college, his father wrote them a letter every single day for four years.  It was not a short letter.  Each letter was a handwritten, single-spaced, two-sided piece of paper describing how proud he was of them, that “the family” was behind them, and how he continued to encourage them to reach their potential.  My friend described many of the wonderful things their father did for them and their family over the years, but that single act of letter writing throughout their college years which demonstrated such dedication, commitment, and encouragement had the greatest impact during their formative years.

That story continues to be a good reminder to me and hopefully to you, that we should raise the bar on our efforts and effectiveness with the written word to the people that matter most in our lives.  I can almost guarantee they will appreciate it.

As we build some habits around the importance of the written word, we will build and strengthen our character and Character Creates Opportunity® for us to be more effective in the essential areas of life.

The transition from high school to college is one of the biggest transitions in our young adult life. It is the time when we escape our roots and move to a new place to discover a new version of our self.

You think you have it all figured out in high school; you are well liked, great at your sport, in theatre, or band, and you think you know what you want to do with the rest of your life. But then you go into your freshman year of college and everything changes, and continues to do so throughout your four years.

College- especially freshman year is filled with choices and transitions you have to make in order to grow into the person you will become when you graduate.

Friendships

In high school you think the friends you have will be your friends forever, and maybe they will be, but you will be surprised at how quickly bonds will form with people you’ve known for only a month. You will bond over mutual interests such as living on the same dorm floor, joining the same sorority, fraternity, and clubs. These social groups are especially important to join if you only know your randomly assigned roommate at your school. It will be awkward to knock on your neighbors door, introduce yourself to the person you sit next to in class, and walk into a welcome meeting for a club by yourself, but that’s the only way you will make friends, and college will be miserable if you don’t. The friendships that you make in college you will have for a lifetime.

Studies

It is a Sunday night and you are studying for your quiz you have at 9:00am the next morning, but your friends on your hall knock on your door and invite you to drink with them in their room. You know you should say no and continue studying because you have a B+ in your class on Monday morning, and if you get an A on the quiz it will boost your final grade. But you succumb to peer pressure and say yes anyway. You wake up late the next morning and your professor doesn’t let you take the quiz so you get a zero. Managing your studies and your social life is one of the hardest transitions of freshman year. It is so exciting to have the majority of your friends live on your floor or in your building; it is like one giant sleepover every night. But it is important to remember why you are in college, yes to build friendships, but also to graduate with a college degree and know that you did your best. In situations like this, listen to your gut instinct and do what is best for your conscience and grade.

Mistakes

It would not be a true college experience without making some mistakes, and that is okay, because that is how you learn and grow. College is filled with choices that you have to make; which classes to take, which dorm to live in, which clubs or Greek life organization to join, and more. Sometimes you are peer pressured into the wrong choice or make the wrong choice on your own. Whatever happens, acknowledge that what you did was wrong, learn from it, and try not to make that mistake again.

You think freshman year will be the easiest year of college, but in my experience it is the hardest. Freshman year is awkward, intimidating, and confusing, but still the time of your life. Remember that no one’s freshman year is easy, and try to make the most of the crazy and fun life that is college.

For more help and advice with the transition from high school to college check out Harvest Time Partner’s Face to Face conversation games.

Harvest Time Partners thanks contributing writer Emily Garber for her insights on life’s transitions.

As we continue on our journey to build and strengthen our character, there is the occasional need to remind and reinforce the truth that there are no quick and easy solutions to address the major challenges in life or to accomplish our major goals in life.  As the saying goes, “If it were easy, everybody would be doing it.”

Despite the reality that there are no easy fixes, we continue to be baited and many times hooked to the idea of “3 simple steps” to awesome relationships, the “10 minute workout” that will keep us healthy and fit, or by simply answering the “one big question” we will energize our team to win in the marketplace.

When I hear those “simple and easy” pitches, I am reminded of the quote by Michelangelo, “If people knew how hard I worked to get my mastery; it wouldn’t seem so wonderful after all.”

There are a number of techniques that can help us increase our personal effectiveness, achieve some goal, or support our team to reach a key milestone. These techniques may change with the times and the technology, but there are two principles that will help to determine our level of effectiveness over the long haul.

The first principle is Education:  Formal education in high school, college or graduate school will certainly play a part.  However, for most adults, continual, ongoing education throughout life is the critical factor.  When we remain open to learn from others, from our experiences, from mentors and friends, take a new class, read a book, or watch an educational video on the internet, we continue to grow.  When we make a choice to remain closed to continually educating ourselves, we fail to grow.  Failing to grow is a problem no “quick fix” will overcome.

The second principle is Effort:  There is no substitute for the energy required to work hard and persevere.  The significant achievements in life don’t come about from quick wit, smooth talking, or the one brilliant solution, they come about from good old fashion effort over time, just like we learned as kids.   Building and maintaining healthy relationships, especially those in the home, takes an enormous amount of intentional effort.  The “happily ever after” stories we read as kids fell short on that reality.  However, our life experience reinforces the reality that intentional effort over time is the foundation for healthy relationships.

In addition to being a good reminder for all us, I especially wanted to highlight these principles for two specific groups of people:

1. For those who are currently in a tough struggle to reach a goal and anxiousness, worry, and doubt are draining precious energy. My hope is that this will be an encouraging reminder of the truth that education and effort are the foundation of achievement.  Reaching a goal is not about being the smartest, having the best connections, or just plain luck.  Education and effort will play to our favor in the long haul, so keep moving forward on those two fronts no matter how tough the present struggle.
2. For those who still maybe holding out hope that there is that secret, quick-fix formula out there to reach our hopes and dreams. My hope is that this blog could be a sobering reminder to you and those you influence that the secret, quick-fix to the important things in life is not a reality.  Education and effort will always play a part in the foundation for achievement.

As we continue to increase our effort and our ongoing education, we will build and strengthen our character and Character Creates Opportunity® to improve relationships, overcome challenges, and reach our goals.

We can all use a little help in making the really big decisions in life.  Benjamin Franklin is recognized as one of the wisest men in our nation’s history.  He is known for a method of decision making that has been widely used throughout the world.  Essentially, Franklin’s process is a matter of drawing a line down the middle of a piece of paper, listing the pros and cons, reflecting on them, and then making a decision.

As we continue on our journey to build and strengthen our character, it is important that we determine what list we bring out when we face difficulties and need to make a decision.  These are times when we just can’t take Yogi Berra’s advice; “When you come to a fork in the road, take it.”  In reality, when we face challenges and need to make a difficult decision, there are two lists we bring out to help guide our decision.

The FIRST List is the one that energizes and encourages us.  It reminds us of the times when we actually accomplished something special.  The times we received that fortunate break, the positive direction from a close friend, and the help we needed.  It reminds us of the blessings of a good start, of being born at a great time, in a land of freedom and opportunity.  This list reminds us of the nice things that people say about us.  This list speaks to us about our growth and potential.

The SECOND List is the one that drains and discourages us.  It reminds us of those nagging challenges in our lives that we continually face. This list highlights the troubles in our family and the hurtful, personal attacks we have felt in our lives.  This list shows the people around us who seem to get all the breaks and live at the corner of “lucky” and “easy” streets.  This list reminds us of the times we have been misunderstood and got the short end of the stick.  This list speaks to us about our disappointments and regrets.

The reality for all of us is that at every major decision point, family challenge, or workplace event, we have a choice as to which list we review.  We will read it, review it, ponder over it, and we will rely on it to decide what to do next.  The choice is ours to make and whether we acknowledge it or not, we make this decision all the time.

Here are a few reasons why the FIRST List should be the only one that matters:

1. There is a ton of scientific research and practical life experience that would recommend “count your blessings, name them one by one” really does work in elevating our level of performance, maintaining mental and emotional health, and reaching our goals.  There is too much proof to disregard the importance of reminding ourselves of the list of blessings in our lives when we face difficult and challenging situations.
2. We cast a shadow on those around us, whether we accept it or not.  When we choose from the Second List, we often drag that attitude around for a while and it has the potential to bring down those around us who we care about most.  We all are in a position of influence and it is not a kind thing to do when we bring a dark cloud over others based on our reliance on our Second List.

Every point of transition and decision are clear opportunities to learn and grow.  They are not dead-ends to remind us that we have limits.  We are not mice running in the proverbial walled box looking for cheese and no chance for freedom.  Each fork in the road opens up a new opportunity to learn, grow, and reach our potential.

As we read from the FIRST List and crumple up the Second List, we choose hope, courage, and opportunity.  When we base our decisions on the FIRST List, we build and strengthen our character and Character Creates Opportunity® for us to reach our potential and have a positive impact on those around us.

The positive financial impact of compounding interest is well known and has been reinforced by some of the brightest minds in our history.  Benjamin Franklin described compounding as “Money can beget money, and its offspring can beget more.”  A quote commonly attributable to Albert Einstein is, “Compounding is mankind’s greatest invention because it allows for the reliable, systematic accumulation of wealth.” Compound interest is one way our money can make more money. It is a simple, yet effective way of gaining momentum in the journey to build financial strength.

As we continue on our journey to build and strengthen our character, the concept of compounding interest can provide some insight in building momentum to reach our hopes and dreams.  Before we go there, it is important to first acknowledge that we all have an element of our nature that wants a quick fix to our struggles or a fast track to achieving our life-long goals.  We want financial security now and there is a strong appeal to some quick, potentially high return investment.  We listen to a motivational speaker at some high energy conference and we expect great results on day one.  We attend a weekend marriage retreat and plan to apply the ‘5 principles of a great marriage’ on Monday and then we expect to finally have the relationship we desire.  We get the DVD series and new juice blender to lose 20 pounds in 2 weeks and we believe we have found the fountain of youth (we have cabinets full of these DVDs and blenders in case any of you are wondering).

The reality is that quick, lasting fixes don’t happen in the major and most important areas of our life.   As we think about the principle of compounding interest, there are some relevant learnings that compounding can have in many areas of our lives beyond financing.  When we look at a graph of building financial strength with compounding over time, the ‘wealth curve’ appears relatively flat in the early years and then slowly builds momentum and the curve gets very steep in later years.  The consistent application of some small dollar amount placed in a savings or investment portfolio will put any one of us on the path to building a small fortune over time. The principle is that we need to stick with it, leave the money alone, and let the interest grow.

Guiding our thoughts, decisions, and actions by the principle of compounding in other areas of our lives can help build momentum to reach our goals.

In Relationships:

There are probably many things we can do to improve the relationships of those closest to us.  There are countless books and blogs out there to help all of us.  Applying the principle of compounding by making a decision to do something small and consistent over time will help.  For example, we could just focus on being a better listener.  When we feel like immediately jumping in with a comment or correction, if, just once a day, we held back and focused on listening with the intent to understand the other person, we would be on a better path to building strong relationships with those that matter most.  Just changing our behavior once a day in conversations will build momentum in our relationships and the compounding interest curve will continue to rise with the eventual outcome being healthier relationships.

In Health and Wellness:

We all have struggles with some aspect of staying physically healthy.  For some it is overeating, others it is getting little to no exercise, for still others a lack of sleep can contribute to health problems.  There are plenty of resources out there to help us get on the right path to improving our health.  With the principle of compounding, find one small, relevant step we can do and stick with it.  Perhaps leaving a few bites of dessert behind is a potential step to take or drinking one less can of soda throughout the day.  For others it may be walking one more lap around the block or maybe 5 more minutes of some cardio-workout.  The point is that whatever the choice, making one small change, consistently over time, will pay tremendous interest over time with regards to our health and wellness.  There is a great deal of academic research and practical experience to dispute the lasting impact of any extreme fad diet or exercise regimen.  However, the consistent application of small incrementally positive steps toward improving our health will make a lasting impact.

In Personal Development:

We all have areas we need to improve professionally and personally.  Perhaps attending some high energy seminar will kick us in gear to take the first step.  However, it will be small incremental changes that will bring about lasting change.  For example, reading books relevant to our chosen profession for 15 minutes a day or keeping a daily journal of progress toward some goal are small steps, that over time, have proven to produce huge dividends in personal growth and accomplishment.   These actions start small, build over time, and gain momentum to have a positive sustainable impact.

Remember the compounding of interest…just keep making steady, small, consistent steps in the right direction and the results will be tremendous over the long haul.  The curve will be relatively flat at first, but it will get steeper over time.  It is how we finish, not the “dash and flash” at the start, that really matters.  As we continue to apply the principle of compounding in other areas of our life, we will continue to build and strengthen our character and our Character Creates Opportunity® for us to make a real difference in our world.

Last week’s blog focused on how the typical transitions in life can be great opportunities for personal growth.  When we are intentional about learning and growing instead of resisting change through these often difficult transitions, we find ourselves on an effective path to reach our full potential.

For most of us, the typical transitions in life come about by just following the crowd in the routine choices of life.  Most of us simply follow the crowd.  The student transitions through school years and then into the workforce.  The transitions into marriage, children, and caring for aging parents all somewhat follow the flow of the typical journey of our modern life.  As we discussed last week, these transitions can be difficult, but they also afford us a tremendous opportunity for personal growth.

The focus of this week’s blog is on how we can identify and create transition moments in life in order to ‘raise the bar’ in our personal growth and to provide a helping hand in getting out of a rut we have created during times we have become comfortable, settled, and perhaps a bit complacent.

We have all heard the simple truth that “life is a journey, not a destination.”  However, for most of us, it is those destination points in life (graduation, a good job, a family, a role in service to others) that pose our greatest risk of becoming complacent and settled.  Our mindset becomes “I have worked hard, persevered through challenges, learned, and ‘arrived.’ Now I can take my foot off the gas and coast for a bit.”  We all know that mindset is a recipe for disaster in the workplace, in maintaining a marriage, raising children, and in any other meaningful role we may play in life.

Instead of getting stuck in a rut or risk a disaster in an area of life that we genuinely care about, how can we maintain a desire for personal growth during the routine seasons of life and mimic the opportunity to grow that we find during major transition points in life?

Here are a few suggestions:

1. Accept the Reality that our current status (a good job, a committed marriage, emotionally healthy children) is at risk if we are not intentional about our own growth. Will Rogers said it best, “Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.”  We are at risk the moment we feel we “arrived” on the fresh side of a typical transition point in life.
2. Clarify Intentions. It is important that we clearly decide what we want to become and how we want to act in the many roles we play. “Winging it” sounds cool on the dance floor, but in the really important things in life, we will fall way short of our potential without being intentional with our efforts.
3. Leverage the natural rhythms of life as fresh starts to make incremental changes to improve. Routine points in the year like the start of summer break, going back to school, the New Year, anniversaries, birthdays, holidays, even “Mondays” can be extremely practical and relevant times to declare a fresh start on making a small, incremental change to reach a new goal.
4. Sustainability. For many of these typical transition points in life, we are in it for the long haul.  We don’t start and then stop being a parent, or being a son or daughter, and most of us will be “working” at something throughout our lives.  Marriages, well sometimes that may be a different story, but our original intention is to be in it for the long haul. We have all probably experienced times when we tried to make massive changes in some area of our lives after attending a “pump-up” motivational event, “re-dedicated” our efforts to something, or a genuinely significant life event (sickness, family break-up, job loss etc.) caused us to “wake up” and try to get on the right track.  The data would demonstrate that massive life changing plans usually are not sustainable for any of us over the long haul.  What seems to work best is making small, incremental change over time that builds momentum for us to sustain heading in the right direction over the long haul.  Decide on small changes and start making progress.
5. The Crowd We Keep. We often tell our kids how important it is that they hang out with the “right” crowd, not the “wrong” crowd, because for most of us, we follow the crowd.  As adults, we don’t always take our own advice.  We should seek to connect with those who are encouraging and supportive of heading down an effective path vs. those who bring negativity and apathy on any path.  Find the “right” crowd and stick with them, just like we tell our kids.

Like most things in life, the choice is ours.  We can become set in our ways and find we have created a rut or worse a coffin that limits our potential.  Or we can ignite a spark of change during the routine seasons of life so we can continue to grow and reach our full potential.  As we decide to continue to move forward in growth, we build and strengthen our character and realize the truth that Character Creates Opportunity® to reach our full potential and make a positive impact on those around us.

 

As we continue on our own personal journey to build and strengthen our character, the topics for the next two blog posts will be around the important opportunity for our personal growth that comes in the form of transitions in life.  In today’s update, we will focus on transitions in the typical seasons of life.  Next week, we will focus on the need to create transition moments in life in order to continue to raise the bar in our personal growth or as a helping hand to get out of a rut we have created during the somewhat steady, routine seasons of life.

Psychologists, counselors, and a fair amount of academic research would indicate that transitions in life can be a major source of stress and anxiety.

As students, there is the stress of transitioning from middle school to high school and high school to college and/or the workplace.

As adults, the transition of single life to married life, married life to life with children, and then the reversal of roles as children transition to take care of aging parents.

In the workplace, we see transitions happen with new leaders joining the team, promotions or downsizing, acquisitions, new markets we enter, etc. that all bring about stress and strain in the workplace.

Over a few generations, we have seen our communities in transition from relative safe-havens to places where metal detectors greet us in schools and public buildings and the thought of a child riding a bike across town makes us anxious.

The stress and strain in these transitions is typically unavoidable for most of us.

However, with a slight shift in mindset, these transitions offer tremendous opportunity to grow and reach our full potential.  The mindset shift occurs when we acknowledge these simple truths (A) There will be periods of pain and discomfort in all transitions (B) There is truly no way to turn back the clock to the way things were as life is always moving forward whether we acknowledge it or not (C) Embracing these inevitable transitions opens a door to reach our full potential.

Once we make this mindset shift, the benefits to our own personal growth and to the positive impact we can have on those around us is tremendous.  When we are intentional about learning and growing through these typical transitions in life we will:

(1)    Gain a broader perspective:  As we transition through new experiences, we develop a greater understanding of other people’s points of view, experiences, and approaches which expands our thoughts and improves our decision-making ability.

(2)    Build resilience and strength for the future:  Life will never be free of transitions.  We can have confidence in knowing that as we grow through this current transition, we will become stronger and more resilient to deal with the next challenge in our journey.

(3)    Get a chance to push the “reset” button:  Let’s face it…we all make mistakes.  When we walk through these major life transitions, we are afforded the opportunity “start again” with the benefits of past learnings to guide us to more effective choices in our new roles and relationships.

In dealing with the typical transitions in life, the choice is ours.  We can go “kicking and screaming” through these transitions, or we can embrace the chance to build and strengthen our character and realize the truth that Character Creates Opportunity® to reach our full potential.

We all have a few areas in our lives where we wish things were “a little better.”

Perhaps it is the sales of a certain product line at work, a tough relationship with a disappointed customer, the grade in a difficult subject in school, the strained relationship in our home, or the social trends in our community.  Toss in our own personal financial situation or our growing waistline and I am sure we can all find an area or two where we wish things were “a little better.”

Reaching a sense of fulfillment and emotional health in knowing that we actually made progress in doing “a little better” is going to take some effort.  More often than not, the effort required usually involves a change in behavior. We are all probably familiar with Albert Einstein’s definition of insanity, “doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”  Nothing happens without change.

As we continue on our journey to build and strengthen our character, the question we need to address is, “What is it going to take to get “a little better” in that important area of our life?”

Many times we know, or someone tells us, what that small incremental change in behavior needs to be.  In places like work and school, there is usually a consistent roadmap to follow and we just need to make the choice, step-up the effort and deliver.  There is a cost of time and effort, but it is pretty predictable and the choice to follow the roadmap is ours to make.

The more difficult decisions are in the areas that really matter in the long haul of life, like our close relationships and the legacy of our efforts and accomplishments.  In these important areas, there may not be a clear roadmap and the near-term costs may seem quite high:

• To mend a strained relationship, many times we need a desire to be reconciled rather than to be proven right, we need to shut-up and seek to understand as oppose to giving our opinion, and/or we need to extend favor when the natural tendency would be to fight back.
• To impact our legacy, many times we need to sacrifice in the near term to ensure a brighter tomorrow. Whether that is saving today vs spending to have some money for the rainy day that will come, grinding it out in a job so that those closest to our care can have opportunities we did not, or taking a risk and following a different path than we were “supposed to follow.”

As we all consider the costs in these big and important areas of life, we need to be reminded that there is a relatively small cost of trying and failing when compared to the significant cost of regret that comes with not trying at all.

We will build and strengthen our character as we keep “trying” and our Character Creates Opportunity to do “a little better” in the big and small areas of life.  Based on my experience and the experience of so many around me, I want to extend a word of encouragement to those who continue to try; Keep getting after it, it is worth the cost.

As we continue on our journey to build and strengthen our character, one foundational principle is the importance of accepting responsibility for our own thoughts, decisions, and actions as a core component to character building.  Accepting responsibility is the first step in rising above our situation and escaping the trap of blaming others or our surroundings for the choices we make.

Accepting personal responsibility is important.  It does not mean we always make great choices.  The reality is that we will fall short in some of the decisions we make and actions we take. No one is perfect and we all make mistakes.  Our character is strengthened when we fully accept the effective and the ineffective choices we make and the positive and negative outcomes that they may bring about.

An important dimension to accepting responsibility is acknowledging our influence on others.  Yes, each one of us owns our decisions, but we all play a role of influence on others:

• Students make the decision to learn in the classroom, but a great teacher can raise the level of engagement and interest to make the classroom a more conducive environment to learn.
• A great coach can inspire teamwork and commitment, but ultimately it is the decision of individual players to work together as a team.
• A strong leader in the workplace can build energy, excitement, and efficient systems to keep the team heading in the right direction to accomplish goals, but it is the decisions of individual team members day to day that sustains top performance in the marketplace.
• The examples we all set in the home have influence on those closest to us.

What happens when those in our circle of influence stumble and fall through poor choices and bring about a difficult outcome?  One truth we should not back away from is that they must own it and make more effective choices moving forward to get back on track and head in a better direction.

However, there is an important element that often gets overlooked in the heat of the moment as we are sorting through the damage of a poor decision by someone close to us; The role we played around influence.  An important question we need to ask ourselves is, “What could I have done differently?”  We all have the ability to influence others.  Could the decisions I made and actions I took influenced a more effective choice that would have yielded a better outcome?

“What could I have done differently?”

A genuine self-assessment around this important question and a commitment to improve will help each one of us be more effective in our ability to positively influence others and help others make more effective decisions.

In terms of moving forward after someone close to us stumbles, there is one additional step that can influence a better tomorrow. Extend a helping hand to get back on track as opposed to leaving someone alone in the struggle.  This is especially important in the home.  Extending a helping hand, again, and again, and again, and again to those closest to us will help to build and strengthen our home and set an example of understanding and compassion that is missing many times in sustained family conflict.

As we acknowledge our role as influencers and guide our thoughts, decisions, and actions by principles like encouragement, loyalty, and commitment, we will continue to build and strengthen our character and Character Creates Opportunity® to influence others in a positive way and help those around us reach their full potential.

Many of our struggles with work, finances, career choices, and even health issues have a natural ebb and flow throughout our journey of life.  If we gathered up all the academic research in human psychology, talked to countless numbers of “life-coaching” gurus, and reflected back on our own lives, we would all describe that despite our world growing more complex and intense, the most difficult and lasting struggles are still found in the home. 

Family conflicts are the most heart-breaking of all of life’s toughest problems.

When we separate out the “typical” short-term ups and downs, we come to a clear conclusion that most long-term, sustaining family conflicts have their beginnings during the major transition points in life.  Just to state a few of the obvious ones:

• Transition into marriage. “Two become one” is a lot easier said than done.
• Transition into parenting. Time, effort, commitment, and unconditional love take on a whole new level understanding.
• Transition for children to adolescence to adulthood. Moving from “being taught” to “choosing to learn” is a responsibility that not everyone wants to accept.
• Transition of parenting. The parental struggles of purpose and meaning when grown children become exactly what we want them to be, self-sufficient to take on the world.
• Transition of generations. The grandparent struggle for purpose and meaning when grown children and grandchildren are actively engaged in the building of their own lives.
• Transition of life & death. The struggle with the loss and the legacy.

Probably the most difficult of all transitions in the home is the mental and emotional transition from expectation (or “fairy tale”) to reality.  We all grew up with a certain expectation of what family was all about.  As adults, we come to realize our reality may not be what we original had planned.  

As we continue on our journey to build and strengthen our character, handling the many transitions in life provides abundant opportunities to reinforce the importance of principles like commitment, courage and loyalty.

Here are a few suggestions to support and encourage a more intentional family engagement to deal with the tension that occurs through life’s most critical transitions:

1. Regroup: Whether it is a marriage that has fallen off the tracks or families seeing a lack of care and concern, someone needs the courage to be the catalyst to “gather around the table” and raise the issue.  Avoidance is not a healthy option.  We don’t need to wait for a brilliant solution to emerge, we just need the courage to start the discussion.
2. Understanding: This time (as we all probably fell short the first go around), genuinely try to understand the other person’s point of view. Too often we are continually angling to have our point of view to “win.” For perhaps the first time ever, focus all effort on trying to understand the other person’s point of view to a level that we can describe it back to them to his/her satisfaction.  Then and only then, should we proceed with raising our point of view.  It has been my experience, that when I have tried to put this into practice, my supposedly “brilliant” point of view was not even relevant to the real issue at hand.  Understanding is the most critical step along the path to resolving family conflict.
3. Try a different approach. Albert Einstein once said, “The problems that exist in the world today cannot be solved by the level of thinking that created them.”  We need to come to the reality that the quick fixes that may have worked in the past, are most likely irrelevant today.  A new approach, anchored on timeless principles like honesty, loyalty, and commitment, should be our rallying cry.

If the three points above don’t work for you and when all else fails, just take the advice of one of my children who has a discerning heart to sense conflict in our home and simply have the courage to say, “I need a hug.”  Believe it or not, there is an overwhelming amount of research to show that a physical touch can break down walls of conflict in the home.  Even when tensions are high, both sides in the home should find the courage to touch.  It has been shown to make all the difference in getting on the right path to healing the wounds suffered during a family conflict.

As we develop the courage to regroup, seek understanding and a different approach, we will build and strengthen our character and Character Creates Opportunity® to effectively address the most difficult of all of life’s struggles, family conflicts.