As we move fully into the fall season, the quiet of the morning is much more noticeable than the early rising sun and chirping birds of summer.  With the time change that will be coming soon, the dark and quiet early mornings afford all of us the opportunity to reflect on the learnings of the past and prepare for what lies ahead.

In the busyness of life, we often fail to take a moment to reflect on where we have been and briefly remind ourselves on where we desire to go in order to build our energy to continue the journey. The quiet of the morning brought on at this time of year support the chance for some meaningful reflection to help us reach our hopes and dreams.

As we continue on our personal journey to build and strengthen our character, there is an opportunity in the quiet of the morning to reflect on day to day happenings and also on the big questions about what we desire to see in the years to come.

The Book of Proverbs says, “Where there is no vision, the people will perish.”

Real world experience and academic research would reinforce the importance of determining clear goals and specific plans to achieve those goals in order to make meaningful progress on any endeavor.  In addition, psychologists would describe something called “purposeful imagination.” Basically, if we can clearly see ourselves achieving those goals, emotionally feel what we would feel like in achieving those goals, we build strength to endure the inevitable challenges we will face in achieving our goals.

We hear a great deal about “vision” and “purpose” statements for individuals, families, and organizations.  These are very powerful tools to focus effort and rally a group to a cause.  Many times, with the effort to hang a vision statement on a wall, we fail to reconnect consistently to that statement and over time, our direction drifts off course.

There is a significant opportunity to use the quiet of the morning to reflect on where we have been and where we desire to go, both today, and in the long journey of life.

When we take the time to look forward 5, 10, or 20 years, what do we see?

What is the state of our closest relationships?  Do we see relationships that have endured the inevitable ups and downs and continue to strengthen a mutual commitment to each other?  Do we see children that are productive members of the family, the community, and the workforce?  What is the legacy we leave behind to those that matter most?

What is the impact we are having over the years?

We all should work to develop the habit of consistently making time to reflect on the big questions of life.  Take a walk, sit outside, or just briefly look off in the distance during a slow period of a child’s practice to see what we truly desire to see in the years to come.

As we take the time to reflect on where we have been and where we desire to go, we will build energy to persevere on our journey and we will continue to build and strengthen our character and Character Creates Opportunity for us to not only see the future we desire, but make meaningful progress towards achieving it.

Psychologists, social researchers in academia, and our own personal experience would say that the vast majority of us avoid having the difficult conversation to address lingering frustrations that inevitably come with relationships in the home, the workplace, and the community.

Leaders in the workplace often delay having the difficult performance discussion with an employee until it is just unavoidable and the team or project has been significantly impacted.

Couples in the home often avoid the known stress points or triggers in the relationship and keep their fingers crossed that it will just go away without a fight this time.

Communities often look the other way and sweep problems under the rug until one small action ignites a firestorm of the now unavoidable reality.

As we continue on our journey to build and strengthen our character, demonstrating the wisdom and courage to address the difficult and uncomfortable topics will help us prevent the cancer of delay from spreading and destroying the long-term health of close relationships.

Emotion is often bound to a moment, but wisdom is always married to time.  We need wisdom to be effective in dealing with the complexity of life and that only comes with time and experience.

Here are just a few thoughts to address the avoidance strategy head on:

1. Acknowledge the Truth: It is not easy to effectively have these types of discussions. Life is often sloppy and painful and addressing difficult issues does not come with paint by numbers instructions. It is not perfect, but it needs to be experienced, not avoided.
2. Begin the Dialogue: When we avoid addressing the problem, we often create more problems. Unresolved issues do not go away, they just rear themselves in other ways. We learn and grow as we address challenges, so get started.
3. Intent and Understanding are the Foundation: It is important to be genuine in our intent to move the relationship forward in a healthy way to achieve the long-term goals of the team, the family, or the community. Seek understanding first as we do not see the world as it is, but we see the world as we are and our experiences and attitudes bring about a host preconceived notions and biases.
4. Don’t Lose Hope: We may often find ourselves in a tough spot in our homes, our close relationships, and in our community. We will learn and grow through addressing difficult issues and even if they don’t get adequately resolved, we will be setting a great example for those closest to us that we don’t give up. Keep hope alive.

As we strive to reach our full potential in our lives and in our relationships, we will always have difficult issues to address and the avoidance strategy is just not an effective option.  We learn and grow as we work through difficult issues and the wisdom we gain will help us build and strengthen our character and Character Creates Opportunity to reach our hopes and dreams.

Our world continues to grow in complexity and intensity.  Although we may talk about big goals like improving education, addressing poverty, and eliminating the oppression of certain groups, it is often very difficult to genuinely see and “feel” progress being made in our day to day lives.  

The purpose of today’s writing is to bring a progress check much closer to home, where the potential for global change actually begins and where it matters most.

We are all familiar with the importance of setting goals, building a plan to achieve those goals and using some date on a calendar like a birthday, the new year, or the start of school to help jump start the process in a healthy and often convenient way to initiate needed change in our lives.  Unfortunately, we are probably also familiar with the reality that the vast majority of us will abandon, or just plain forget, our goals almost as quickly as we set them.

Today’s writing is not about rallying around some collective motivation or new process to more effectively achieve our goals.  There is already plenty of information out there to help us all get a little more motivated to achieve our goals.

Today’s writing is about the importance of recognizing small steps of progress along the way in order to keep the momentum going.  The “world” (feel free to insert your own relevant term) judges or highlights the finish line.  However, most often it will be us alone, in the quiet of the journey, that will be in a position to celebrate making progress in the right direction on the things that matter most.

As we continue on our journey to build and strengthen our character, a helpful discipline we alone can exercise is the personal “high five” we can give ourselves for making progress on the journey to reach our hopes and dreams in matters close to home.

There will be a great deal written about the steps to achieving the common goals of losing weight, exercising or some professional career milestone.  However, the real need to celebrate making progress towards often our most challenging goals, which is rarely written or talked about, is in having a positive impact on those closest to us in our homes and families.  A helpful discipline is to acknowledge the small steps of progress we make in:

1. Judging less and encouraging more
2. Breaking the cycle of a painful past to bring healing to an important relationship
3. Experiencing the lasting joy of serving and giving instead of the short-term pleasure of getting our way
4. Opening dialogue on an important issue rather than avoiding it
5. Courageously acknowledging our fears and insecurities while minimizing our concern of judgement or shame

The “world” will celebrate the big achievements in business, politics, entertainment, etc.  As we choose to celebrate making progress in the home and with the ones closest to us, we will build the foundation to achieve great things in the marketplace, the community, and our world.

As we make the choice to personally celebrate the small steps of progress we make in our close relationships, we will continue to build and strengthen our character and Character Creates Opportunity for us to bring health into relationships closest to us.

As we continue to clearly define our hopes and dreams in the home, let us not forget that “A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.” (Lao Tzu).  Congratulations, in advance, for the steps of progress you will make with the ones closest to you.

Well, I guess we did not win the Powerball lottery last night.  Now what do we do?

Well, I guess our plans did not come together like we had hoped.  Now what do we do?

Well, I guess our plans to retire after 30 years with the company ended at year 15 with a downsizing exercise.  Now what do we do?

Well, I guess our dream of a quiet neighborhood ended when the neighbor’s rowdy grandson inherited the house.  Now what do we do?

Well, I guess our plan for “happily ever after” is not looking so good.  Now what do we do?

Well, I guess our plans for a care-free retirement ended when the kids moved back in.  Now what do we do?

Well, I guess our plans to hand down a great family business ended when the “supercenter” came to town.  Now what do we do?

The reality of our day to day lives is that many things don’t come together according to plan.  To pull from the wisdom of Ben Franklin, it is really only death and taxes that we can count on.

Resilience is a character trait defined as the ability to bounce back after a set-back.  As we continue on our journey to build and strengthen our character, building resilience into our personal skill-set would be a most valuable endeavor to reach our full potential.

How do we handle a set-back?  Do we take our ball and go home, fold up our tents and walk away, or do we pick ourselves up, adjust our plans with the new set of information and get back after the goal?

Here are a few things to consider in helping to build and strengthen our resilience:

1. We are not the only one whose plans fell off the rails and we encountered a near term failure. Even the sharped dressed man or woman who sounds so smart, hits rock bottom every once in a while.
2. Work hard to remain humble when things seem to be going great. Humility will help soften the blow when a set-back comes our way…and a set-back will come our way.
3. It is ok to acknowledge the pain. We should all work to build our tolerance for pain and discomfort, but it is ok to admit a major set-back in an important area of life really hurts.
4. We set a helpful example to those we care about most when we demonstrate the ability to bounce back after a set-back. Set the example…Resilience may be the most important life-skill we can teach those we care about most.

Our world continues to grow in complexity and uncertainty, and as we continue to develop our resilience in dealing with the inevitable set-backs, we will continue to build and strengthen our character and Character Creates Opportunity for us to reach our full potential and have a positive impact on those around us.

 

We all appreciate freedom.

The freedom to come and go as we please.  The freedom to live according to a set of beliefs.  The freedom to pursue our hopes and dreams. The list could go on and on.

One person who understood freedom very well was the late Nelson Mandela (1918-2013, former President of South Africa).

On February 11, 1990, Nelson Mandela, after 27 years in prison, walked out of a South African prison into freedom, but he was not totally free.  It was not until he made one more decision that truly set him free.  “As I walked out the door toward the gate that would lead to my freedom, I knew if I didn’t leave my bitterness and hatred behind, I’d still be in prison.” Nelson Mandela

If we all reflected on the following questions, how would we respond?

1. Have we ever been misguided by a friend or family member?
2. Have we ever been treated unfairly in the workplace?
3. Have we ever put our heart and soul into a relationship that subsequently fell apart?
4. Have we ever had someone we trusted take advantage of that trust?

Chances are pretty good that we all would answer “yes” on many, if not all, of the questions above.

Given the affirmative response to many of these questions, an important reality we need to face is the level of bitterness and anger we still hold around those events and those individuals. To use Mandela’s concept, are we still in prison because of those feelings?

As we continue to build and strengthen our character, we need to ask ourselves an important question, “If I am holding on to bitterness and anger from the past, am I really free?”

This other side of freedom is different than the 4th of July kind of freedom we experience.  This other side of freedom is a result of the individual choice we make to leave bitterness behind and move on.

If we let bitterness and anger from the past define our future, we will not reach our full potential.

Here are just a few ideas to help us move towards the personal freedom we need to reach our full potential:

• We all make mistakes. We have probably caused some pain on others we wish we had not. Extend the same forgiveness and understanding we wish others would do for us.
• It will happen again. Life is complicated and people react in different ways. We need to be careful that we don’t become disillusioned with expectations that life will be clean and nice and our closest relationships will be like the fairy tales we read as a kid. Life is messy and complicated.  There will be misunderstandings and pain along the journey.
• Bitterness and anger hold us back. Once we learn to forgive and move on, we will experience the benefits of being free from the anger of the past. We will develop the “muscle memory” to forgive quickly, remove negative emotions, and apply ourselves fully to achieve our hopes and dreams.
• We set an example for others to follow. The more we can demonstrate the ability to remove bitterness over past events, the more others will see our actions and follow…especially those closest to home that we hope can have the best foundation to reach their full potential.

As we make the choice to leave behind bitterness and anger from the unfortunate events of our past, we will continue to build and strengthen our character and Character Creates Opportunity to reach our full potential and have a great impact on those around us.

Are we there yet?  We are all very familiar with the question that comes at some point during a long drive.  Depending on how long the drive or how much stress has been injected into the preparations for the drive, there will be a wide array of follow-on responses to that simple question.

So often we attribute that question to a young child on a road trip.  However, many of us as adults may find ourselves asking a similar question on our journey of life.

When will we be happily married?    When will our children be able to stand on their own?

When will I be in a stable and fruitful career?  When will we finally have peace in our home and community?

When will I finally be done with getting an education?  

As we continue on our journey to build and strengthen our character, how we cope with the adult version of the question “are we there yet?” will help us grow our joy and peace as we journey along to reach our full potential.

We all celebrate the accomplishment of significant milestones.  The awarding of a graduation diploma, the winning of a championship, the anniversary of a relationship milestone like 25 years of marriage, 30 years of dedicated employment, and the list could go on.  At the time of crossing the threshold of accomplishment, there is joy, celebration, and some peaceful relief in knowing we finally made it.

As time inevitably marches quickly through the threshold of any specific accomplishment, many times we forget the graduation speech, we misplace the thoughtful anniversary card, and we forget the leftover cake in the company lunchroom.

The reality about what remains with us after the accomplishment and brief celebration pass, is not the celebration, it is the memories and lessons learned along the journey that remain.

• We remember the courage and strength it took to study all night for numerous exams to ensure we passed that tough course.  Those memories act as a rallying cry to strengthen our character to ensure we can rise above again when we are faced with another challenge down the road.
• We remember the pain and the joy of years spent in a close relationship like marriage and those reminders help give us perspective when the next jolt to the foundation of a close relationship comes in the future…and it will come in the future.  It is that perspective which will help to carry us through the inevitable dark time in our committed relationships.
• We remember the business lessons learned from good and bad decisions we made in the marketplace.  It is the memory of these lessons that gives us confidence to re-enter the marketplace and attempt to grow a business again.

Setting clear goals to be accomplished is a critical part of reaching our full potential.  However, we need to ensure we maintain the perspective that goals are simply milestones to gauge our progress on the long journey.  We will inevitably pass through those goals and will need to continue to set further milestones down the road.

The energy needed to reach our full potential in a long and fruitful life does not simply come from accomplishing goals.  The renewable energy for life is in leveraging the memories and lessons learned along the journey.  This renewable energy will ensure we consistently raise the bar on our ability to positively impact those around us.

As we continue to maintain our perspective when answering the adult version of “are we there yet?” and we focus on learning along our journey, we will build and strengthen our character and our Character Creates Opportunity to accomplish the next big goal or milestone.

As Labor Day approaches and the end of summer is upon us, we have another seasonal time point that can be helpful to set some goals and build momentum towards reaching our full potential.  Unfortunately, just like setting some goals for the New Year, the cold hard statistics would remind us that after just a few short weeks, most of us begin to see those goals fade away and become lost and forgotten.  It is not so much that we already reached success or failure, but we basically just stopped caring and moved on.

Measuring success or failure in any endeavor is important.  However, as we continue on our journey to build and strengthen our character, a real concern is to address apathy when it creeps into our family, our personal and professional growth and our community…when we just don’t care anymore and don’t get engaged, set goals or get after achieving them.

The real concern in life is not that we fell short of our goals or faced repeated failure in our attempts to achieve.  The real concern is that we just “checked out” in the major areas of life and just stopped caring.

Apathy rears its ugly head in a number of ways and in a variety of dimensions in our lives:

“I am just burned out” may be the way apathy appears from a career perspective. We get tired of the bureaucracy and red tape of an organization and we just grin and bear it until retirement or something better comes along.  It can also appear in the entrepreneur world when we just grow numb to the concerns of cash flow and bankruptcy risk.

“I am just tired of being miserable and unhappy” maybe the way apathy appears in our closest relationships. “You are now on your own to learn the hard way” may be the way apathy appears in dealing with a rebellious child.

“It is beyond repair” may be the way apathy appears in the challenges we face in our communities. When the challenges become so daunting because of the complexity created by the break-down of the family, generational poverty, lack of positive role models, ineffective public and private interventions, that we just check out with the general loss of hope because of the enormity of the problem.

Throughout our journey of life, we will all face moments when apathy enters our mindset.  Here are a few considerations to address the challenge:

1. Recognize it. Be attune to our own thoughts and perceptions to when we sense ourselves slipping into “I just don’t care anymore.”
2. Place a reality check on hopes and dreams. Being on the brink of “I just don’t care anymore” forces us to ask the big questions in life like purpose, goals, and what really matters. It gives us a chance to gain perspective on our own desires, clarifies needs vs. wants, and helps prioritize what is really important that we need to commit to doing.
3. Take small steps in the direction we need to go with the truth that the meaningful and important things in life are achieved on a long, slow journey. Close relationships and service to a cause greater than our own are never captured in a get rich quick scheme.

Our character, that internal voice that guides our thoughts, decisions, and actions can be a strong defense against apathy.  As we guide our thoughts, decisions, and actions by principles like perseverance, compassion, understanding, and commitment, we build and strengthen our character and Character Creates Opportunity for us to continue on the journey to reach our full potential.

“Experience is the mother of all learning,” so the saying goes.  We all have some defining experiences in our lives. 

If we look back, there are probably a few events in our school years that we can still recall having a major impact on our lives.  Whether it was a big championship game, an interaction with a great teacher, or some unfortunate painful experience, we still carry those experiences throughout our adult years.  There are definitely some experiences from our close relationships, probably some positive and some negative, which remain with us as we continue our journey.  Likewise, there are experiences in our chosen career that became teachable moments for us and we have carried those lessons with us to this day.

During my time in the Army, I certainly had some experiences that stay with me to this day. I learned a great deal about myself and a great deal about leadership, courage, strategy, and tactics.  When I reflect back on the most significant learning, it was quite simple; the importance of just keeping moving forward.  Whether tired, scared, or confused, just keep moving forward toward your objective.  As an infantryman, with a heavy pack, leading a platoon of soldiers, the pressing call was always to keep moving forward toward the objective.  Whether it was to complete a long, difficult road march, a specific tactical scenario that needed to be mastered in total darkness, or whether it was securing an objective on the battlefield in Iraq.  No matter the ups and downs in that pursuit, there was a clear calling to just keep moving forward no matter what came our way.

Applying the principle to keep moving forward to our general journey of life would remind us that we know what the objectives are in serving a cause greater than our own, building a strong family, and a purposeful career.  We know there will be unavoidable difficulties and very painful experiences that we will encounter.  There will definitely be things we said or did that we genuinely wish we could take back and ‘do over.’  However, there are no ‘do overs’ in the life we are living.  There is a need to be intentional about what we learn from those experiences and we just need to keep moving forward in the direction of our objective.

It is important that we accept the reality that ‘do overs’ don’t happen in this life.  Many times, the damage is done and perhaps only time can bring about some healing.  We cannot ‘re-raise’ our children, ‘re-live’ some difficult moments in relationships, or ‘re-live’ that career choice of 10 years ago.  First impressions cannot be remade.  Mean spirited comments cannot be restated.  Scars, many times, cannot be completely removed.

Life can only be lived in the present moment.  What we have today is a great opportunity to keep moving forward regardless of the pain from the past.  We will build and strengthen our character as we continue to move forward towards our objective and our Character Creates Opportunity® to build healthy relationships and puts us on the most effective path to accomplish our hopes and dreams.

Let’s face it.  There are times in our lives when we face the toughest of circumstances and we stand on the edge of losing hope.

Whether it is a close relationship that has unraveled and the reality of “happily ever after” seems unreachable.  Or maybe it is the teenage or adult child who has lost their way.  Or maybe it is the hopes and dreams of a business that has just run out of cash and its demise is imminent.  Or maybe it is the sense that the safety and comfort of the “good old days” are never coming back in our communities.

These are the times when all the money in the world could not buy a quick fix out of the situation and all the pump-up, positive thinking, motivation speeches sound like nails on a chalk board.

As we continue on our journey to build and strengthen our character, it is on the edge of despair where we can find opportunity to learn and grow through difficulty.

On the edge of despair, is where our masks come off and the costume party we have been attending comes to a close.  In the very raw, unguarded, and openness of pain, when we have no strength to hold up the mask of “everything is fine,” we now can begin to move forward on the path to learning and growth.

On the edge of despair, there are several things to consider as we look to build and strengthen our character through these moments of opportunity:

• The most effective direction to move is forward towards the hurt and embrace the unguarded, authentic moment of pain. Take the mask off to begin to grow.
• Be intentional about avoiding the routine addictions we have learned to cover the pain. We all have our own ways of coping to keep the costume party going. Growth comes when we realize the party cannot go on forever.
• Communication in times of pain is real, genuine and priceless for our growth. We should find someone we can trust and open up. If we do not have someone in our close circle to confide in, then we need to seek out a pastor or counselor as the pathway to health is accelerated with open communication of our pain.
• Our very best will emerge from the pain. Psychologists and our own experience would demonstrate that we only grow in struggles. “No pain, no gain” is not just a slogan for coaches during practice.  We have a massive human weakness to get soft, complacent, and lazy during moments of calm and order.  We should use the times of pain to grow…it is our only chance.
• No matter what the outcome of our present struggle, there is one positive step that can come out of any difficult situation. We can, and should, use our feelings of raw hurt to grow in empathy for others. Our pain can be a catalyst for our growth in compassion for the struggles of others.  Another incredible accelerant on our pathway to health is when we turn to help others through their struggles.

When we stand on the edge of despair and we focus on growing through the struggle, we will continue to build and strengthen our character and Character Creates Opportunity® to remain on the path to our own emotional health and well positions us to be a helping hand to others.

One last point:  When we turn the corner on this present struggle, we should remember that life will always have another interesting event awaiting around the next corner.  If we can address our present struggle in a healthy way, we will be in a better to position to address the inevitable next bump in the road.  Enjoy the journey!

We have all heard of the guidance provided by Ben Franklin with the saying, “An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.”

The clarity and truth brought forth in that simple statement can be applied to various areas of our lives such as our health, relationships, work, and community.

As we look to continue to build and strengthen our character, an important area to consider is not only that we understand the concept of prevention, but that we have some very practical steps to take to ensure we are dedicating a significant amount of effort on the side of prevention.

The relatively easy approach to prevention can most certainly be found in regards to our health:  Eat a well-balanced diet, get regular exercise, sleep 7-8 hours a day, schedule annual wellness check-ups with a physician, and proceed with the rule of thumb around moderation in all areas.  The basic tenets of maintaining physical health have been relatively unchanged over the years.  Consistently executing on a preventative health program is another story, but the basic plan is straight-forward.

The more challenging area of prevention is taking the practical steps necessary to maintain health in our most important relationships.

Life, despite its complexity, is still predominately about relationship to others.  Whether those relationships are with family, friends, community, or the workplace, we are in relationship with others.

What does an “ounce of prevention” look like in maintaining health in relationship?

Here are just a few suggestions:

Keep Commitments: Actually doing what we say we are going to do, is a simple, but massive step forward in maintaining health in relationships. “I will be there on time” “I will clean up this mess” “I will support you no matter what.” When we fall short too many times on our promises, we will need more than a pound of cure to re-establish health again.

Focus on Serving: Serving the needs of others on a consistent basis has been shown throughout recorded history as being one of the most critical elements to maintaining health in relationships.  Our personal intent to serve others rather than waiting to be served will keep us on the most effective path toward healthy relationships.

Sacrifice: Nothing worthwhile ever comes easy.  Sacrificing our selfish instincts in favor of supporting others, demonstrates to others that we recognize life is not all about us.  Setting a personal example of sacrifice is contagious and helps to form a strong foundation of health in relationships.

Physical Connection – Touch: There has been a significant amount of research done on the positive impact that a simple physical touch can have on maintaining health in a relationship. The physical connection made with the touch on a shoulder, the holding of a hand, or a genuine hug builds health into relationships.

Life is continuing to grow in complexity and intensity.  In order to be able to sustain our efforts for the long haul, using “ounces of prevention” instead of “pounds of cure” will help us stretch our limited resources to ensure we have optimal impact.

As we make choices to focus daily effort on prevention to maintain health, we will build and strengthen our character and Character Creates Opportunity® to sustain optimal physical health, to build healthy relationships, and to head down a path to build a legacy with few, if any, regrets.