Our world has no shortage of issues that seem to create massive polarization between people.  Whether it is a political, social, economic, or family issue, we see a growing trend to move quickly to “our corner” of the ring. As we continue on our journey to build and strengthen our character, it is an important time to reinforce how listening to one another is the first step towards empathy and empathy is at the heart of building constructive dialogue, improving relationships, and comforting the hurting.

There are plenty of “experts” who would described the importance of listening to others as a key ingredient to understand another person and through understanding, we can begin to build better relationships.  In addition, I am sure we have all experienced the occasional “aha” moments when we finally shut-up enough to listen and gained some real insight into understanding another person and why they have a certain point of view or why they took a certain action.

At several major academic centers there has been some exciting new research that demonstrates the power of our brains to relate to one another when we truly listen.  Researchers have gone beyond traditional techniques of simply mapping activity in particular regions of the brain.  This new research uses complex mathematical analyses to map patterns of activity in the brain, but not in isolation.  The research has added the dimension of measuring the relationship between the pattern in one person’s brain and the pattern in another’s.

Researchers are recording the brain activity of one person’s brain while they told a story and another person’s brain who was listening.  The two brain patterns consistently show a remarkable degree of correlation. The storyteller literally has gotten in to the listener’s brain and altered it not only on the logic-reasoning parts of the brain, but most importantly, on the emotional part of the brain.  By focusing on listening, the listener has been able to match the brain of the storyteller.  The listener felt the emotions of the storyteller.

This new research demonstrates over and over that when you listen to and understand another person, you experience the exact same brain pattern as that person.  It is as if you have experienced their experience.  The researchers demonstrated that our brains know little difference between our own experience and one we shared by listening to another. Our brains are impacted the same way.  Listening to another person can provide real insight into another person’s journey and help us understand.

This recent round of groundbreaking research is a strong reminder that our personal effort to focus on listening is an important choice that we can make to have a positive impact on relationships. Here are just a few thoughts to reinforce the importance of listening:

(1)    Listening is the most simple and powerful way to demonstrate to someone that they matter. Our decision to listen meets a very important psychological need of all of us – to know we matter.  Listening does not take a Ph.D. in psychology, an extremely high IQ, or some position in the corner office.  All it takes is a simple decision to be silent and give someone our attention.

(2)    As life today grows more intense and complex, before we instinctively move to “our side” with “our brilliant opinion,” we should first choose to listen.  As the research showed, when we listen, we actually feel the experience of the other person.  This is a relevant and practical choice for our home, our workplace, and our community at large.  As with many things, the greatest and most challenging area is listening to those that are closest to us.  We mistakenly think we know them well enough or we have allowed the obstacles of anger, frustration, and apathy to prevent us from listening to the other side of the story…and there is always another side to the story.

(3)    For most people, it is our painful experiences that have taught us the most and form the basis for many of the choices we make.  However, we typically keep hidden those painful experiences from others.  Being a good listener can help build a trusting, non-judgmental, and shame-free atmosphere which can eventually open a door to the sharing of those painful experiences to assist in a greater understanding of one another. Understanding is the foundation for health in relationships.

Listening, with the intent to understand, is a well-documented approach to improve relationships. As we make a decision to listen, we will build and strengthen our character and Character Creates Opportunity® to build healthy and meaningful relationships.

For many of us, this time of year brings a mixed set of emotions.  The sunset of summer is upon us, fall sports are getting into full swing, and the anxiousness of a new academic year begins.  In addition, leaders across a variety of organizations are working to fine tune plans to execute on a strong close to the year.   At this time of year, I am sure we can all find ourselves in some position to positively influence those around us as they address their unique situation.

The topic for today is to provide some insight into how we can be most effective in providing encouragement to those around us as they face their unique situation during this time of year.

There has been a fair amount of research done on the importance of the principle of encouragement.  Most of the research has been done on how to provide encouragement and praise for positive behaviors and performance.  In addition, if we look into our own experience, we probably find ourselves relatively comfortable in providing encouragement to others when they are doing well.

The real challenge for both academic research and our own practical needs is in the area of providing encouragement to improve performance when someone falls short:

• When a child does not perform well in school or does not deliver on a particular activity.
• When an employee fails to meet expectations.
• When someone close to us simply misses the mark.

We all know that there is a critical moment in time when feedback is delivered that heavily influences the next steps for an individual.  When we do it well, chances are the individual will more forward to raise his/her performance. When we do it poorly, we create a greater problem by undermining an individual’s confidence and self-esteem.

A team of research psychologists from several leading institutions collaborated on some work to determine effective techniques to provide feedback that would encourage individuals to raise their performance. Without going into all the study details (if you wish, here is the study), they studied middle school teachers and the process to provide feedback on student performance.  What they learned can help all of us in our roles as parents, teachers, coaches, and business leaders to leverage the principle of encouragement in times when performance falls short.

The researchers found one particular statement that provided encouragement to significantly improve student effort and performance that they called it “magical.”  After some heavy statistical analysis on a number of different variables, the teachers that used this one statement saw incredible results with their students.  The statement that made the difference was “I’m giving you these comments because I have very high expectations and I know that you can reach them.”

Just this one simple statement, delivered in that critical moment in time when constructive feedback was communicated, made all the difference in encouraging an individual to do better.

There are some key insights from this research and this “magical” statement that we can apply to the various roles we play to provide encouragement to those around us to improve performance and reach their full potential.

(1)    The statement helps to meet an important need in all of us; the need to know we belong. Recipients felt the teacher cared about them and in turn, they felt a sense of belonging during this important point of receiving critical feedback on their performance.

(2)    The statement communicates clarity around expectations; we have high standards.  The vast majority of us, when provided clear direction, no matter how difficult the task, will deliver.

(3)    The statement communicates a strong belief in the individual; I know you can do it.  Communicating a “validation” to someone else that they “have what it takes” to deliver is a tremendous encouragement to keep any one of us moving forward in our journey.

A critically important role we can all play is in helping others reach their full potential.  As we work hard to more effective use the principle of encouragement, we build and strengthen our character and Character Creates Opportunity® to help others improve their performance and reach their hopes and dreams.

David Esposito contributed to an article on Stephen R. Covey’s The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People recently published on Entrepreneur.com. Many of the principles in the book are similar to those he references in his daily life, therefore they “resonated with him as he tried to balance his family life with his career.” His sentiments are shared by many around the world who own one of the book’s 25 million copies sold since its publishing in 1989. Read more about David’s thoughts in this article: 7 Reasons ‘7 Habits of Highly Effective People’ Lives on 25 Years Later.

“Yes – I can do this!”  We have all been there at some point.  We start out with a great deal of energy and excitement as we head into our journey towards that next big objective.

Many times we encounter some catalyst for change brought on by a meaningful event in our lives:  A significant change in our personal life, the ideas of a great speaker, the insightful guidance from a friend or family member, or some helpful concept in a book.  Some situation triggered our response to get motivated to take on that next challenge and go after another well intentioned goal.  We take off from that mountain top “high” with a great deal of enthusiasm.

After traveling a little ways into our journey, we eventually find ourselves off the mountain top “high” and into the valley.  The valley we encounter towards our objective is difficult.  The ability to clearly see our goal gets more challenging and somehow the journey does not seem as exciting as when we set off from the mountain top.

I am sure we can all relate to a few valley moments:

• After some time of progress on our new diet and exercise routine, things slow down a little and we notice a few pounds creeping back on the scale
• After some time in a new job, when our coworkers and boss don’t seem as supportive as they did at the start and the work is no longer exciting
• When that “sweet bundle of joy” we brought home from the hospital becomes angry and rebellious
• When the “I do” in marriage becomes “when you know what freezes over”
• When a poor choice brings about a bad outcome and there is no hiding from the consequence

On a much lighter note, but still a meaningful, teaching moment about the valleys of life, is the current state of our family garden (it is not in good shape as we come out of summer).

The “family” garden is probably one of the most relevant and practical examples of how things can come off the rails along our journey toward our goals.  A very simple, natural law, if adhered to, can bring about an amazingly abundant harvest:  Plan in the winter, prepare the ground and plant in the spring, water and cultivate all summer, and then in the fall, an abundant harvest.  The journey towards our goals in life are no different than the simple steps to a successful family garden.

We could all come up with a good laundry list of excuses when we are struggling in the valley and some of them are legitimate.  Storms do come in life and destroy much of what we tried to build.  Tragedy does strike.  People do fail to keep up their end of the contract.  However, for the vast majority of our journey, the consistent application of these timeless, universal, and self-evident principles will rarely cause us to fall short of crossing through the valley and reaching the next mountain top in our journey.

Below are a few suggestions around these principles to support moving through the valley and up to the next mountain top:

(1)    Set priorities.  We cannot do everything.  Be very selective and declare a clear “yes” or a clear “no” so our energy can be channeled into a few really important goals.

(2)    Plan and prepare.  “Winging it” or “going with the flow” is not an effective strategy.  We need to be intentional about outlining the direction we are heading and the habits we need to keep heading in that direction.  Our habits will help keep us on our intended direction in the darkness of the valley.

(3)    Cultivate/Execute the plan.  This should be the mechanical process of day in, day out executing our intended habits.  When our habits (thoughts, decisions, and actions) are guided by principles like perseverance, commitment, loyalty, and respect, we build and strengthen our character and Character Creates Opportunity® to move through the valleys and achieve that next milestone in our journey.

We will have our share of valley moments throughout life.  However, as we remain consistent in adhering to timeless principles, we will move forward along our most effective path on the journey of life.

 

A few weeks ago we wrote about the importance of making decisions (July 17^th blog on Decisiveness).  I wanted to expand on the topic with today’s blog and raise a common challenge around “the other choice” in the decision making process.

Let’s face it; decision making around the important things in life is tough work.  It requires thinking and it requires making a judgment.  At times, many of us would just prefer a checklist that requires little to no thinking and just a robotic like obedience to achieve a certain goal in life.  The reality is that the important decisions around family, education, career, and other areas of service, are all complex.  These decisions are rarely between right and wrong, they usually land somewhere between “pretty good” and “maybe a little better.”

It is easy to talk endlessly about ideas and opinions, but making decisions is the tough stuff that helps to build and strengthen character of which we discussed in the blog on July 17^th.  Some examples of those tough decisions we struggle with are:

• Providing opportunities for our children to learn responsibility and independence
• Financial decisions between spending now and saving for later
• Ongoing education choices for parents and children
• The time and effort between work and home
• The really big choices around our families and our careers

In making these difficult decisions, an important issue to raise is “the other choice.” The “what could have been” debate if we had taken the other path like in the Robert Frost poem, The Road Not Taken.

Psychologists would say much of the mental strain they see today is brought on by our tendency to struggle with the “what could have been” debate in our lives.  As these were big decisions in our lives, there is most likely a fair amount of emotion and perhaps pain associated with the choices we have made in the past.

I will state the obvious – There is no rewind button or do-over rule in life.  Our capacity spent trying to hope for a rewind or a do-over in life is an unfortunate waste of our limited resources.  So the question is, how can we use “the other choice” concern to build and strengthen our character and continue to move forward?  Here are a few suggestions:

(1)    Reality:  We will never know the full outcome of “the other choice.” We have a tendency to overemphasize the potential positives, but disaster also strikes on The Road Not Taken. This is one of the great mysteries in life, we only know for sure what we have in front of us today.

(2)    Understanding: Our most productive use of “the other choice” should be on understanding our thought process around the decisions we made at the time – What drove our decision?  We will become more self-aware of our weak points and our strong points that will help us in many aspects of our life.

(3)    Growth:  We can only press the forward button in life.  There is no pause and there is no rewind.  Our most effective choice on dealing with past decisions is to grow from them.  We can apply those gains to be more effective in our present set of choices and perhaps share our learnings with those closest to us.

As we work to reduce the strain associated with the “what could have been” debate and move towards personal growth based on learnings from our past decisions, we will build and strengthen our character and Character Creates Opportunity® for us to reach our full potential.

Our communities, our workplaces, and our homes continue to grow more complex and diverse.  There is a growing demand for more education and training to ensure we can better understand differences, learn to fully appreciate differences, and then begin to leverage those differences to move in a positive direction toward our objectives.

Over the last 20+ years, we have all witnessed the increased attention on and the “managerial assessment” of our ability to understand, appreciate, and leverage differences to make our schools and communities better and our businesses more competitive.  As our businesses and our marketplaces become more diverse, there has emerged a critical skill set of leaders; Leaders need to be able to recruit and develop diverse teams, create an environment where differences are valued and efficiently assessed, and then take action on those differences to deliver a competitive advantage in the marketplace.  These efforts have helped to make businesses more effective in the global marketplace.

What stands in stark contrast to our efforts in our schools, communities, and businesses to understand, appreciate, and leverage differences to deliver better outcomes, is our limited effort to do the same in our homes.  Our unwillingness to make a real effort to try and understand, appreciate, and then leverage our differences within the home is at the root of some of the most painful and heartbreaking family conflicts.

There is a great deal of information and practical experience that demonstrates we are so willing to work hard in areas outside the home to appreciate the differences of others, but in the home, the data on family conflict would show we are unwilling to make the same effort to understand the differences around our dinner tables. We are often quick to dismiss or trivialize, or in some cases become intolerant of, the very basic differences within our homes.  Some of the differences that form the foundation of family conflict are leveraged to build stronger teams in the workplace:

1)      Communication styles: Expressive vs. introverts, talkers vs. listeners

2)      Work strengths: Time and attention to detail vs. productivity to get things done

3)      Process: The methodical planner vs. the spontaneous decision maker

4)      Schedules: The night owl vs. the early riser

5)      Personalities: The “rebel” vs. the one that “falls in line”

6)      Generational mindset:  Old school vs. new school

7)      Individuality: The tattooed vs. the non-tattooed  (well, I am not sure that one fits yet)

Incompatibility or “irreconcilable differences” is the reason given for most family break-ups.  This reason goes beyond marriages.  Incompatibility is at the root of parent-child conflict, in-law struggles, and the “exiled” cousin or uncle who disappears from the family radar screen.  Quite often, the genesis of our struggles in families is the devaluing or resentment of our differences instead of embracing and treasuring our differences to build something bigger and better than ourselves.  We would not tolerate a point of view in the workplace that says “we don’t like people to be different.”  However, in our homes, we are so quick and willing to enable differences to divide and break-up our family without first putting forth the effort to better understand those differences and hopefully, try and appreciate those differences to keep the family circle intact.

As we work hard to better understand, more deeply appreciate, and begin leveraging differences in our home and our workplace, we will build and strengthen our character and Character Creates Opportunity® for us to build strong businesses and strong families.

Eternity. Some of us may have different views about the practical nature of our own personal journey through “forever” as a realistic timeline. I happen to believe there is an eternity for each one of us to experience and, like most things in life, it is our choice about how we experience that eternity.

However, for the purpose of today’s blog, I want to discuss a relevant and practical view of eternity in the form of the legacy we leave behind.

For a variety of reasons, most of us will not have our names in the history books, the world-record books, or any other well-known document read by millions in the next 100-200 years. [Except for things we do on an electronic medium via the web. Sorry, I just had to toss that in there as a warning to all of us that those regrettable emails, the photos that our moms would not approve, and those unkind, off-the-cuff comments online, will live forever. In the electronic world, the “e” does stand for a real eternity. In the workplace and among family and friends, we should all practice the discipline of “pause and think” before we hit “send” or update our “status.”]

Back on today’s message. Most of us have a real and practical knowledge of, and in some cases, vivid memories, of a few key people in the generations of our past. We certainly can remember parents, grandparents, and perhaps great-grandparents, but it starts to get real fuzzy after a few generations. Depending on our level of engagement with parents and grandparents, we may have memories of their friends, maybe coworkers and bosses, but for all practical purposes, there is limited personal knowledge beyond the family tree when we go back a few generations.

So there we have it; a practical view of leaving a legacy is that we probably have a realistic chance that our grandchildren and our great grandchildren will remember us. I can remember a great quote from Cal Ripken upon his retirement from baseball, when he was asked, “How do you want to be remembered?” Cal replied, “Just being remembered would be nice.” In many ways, a great hope for all of us would be to “just be remembered” by our grandchildren and great-grandchildren.

I doubt any of us can recall whether a great-grandparent wore fashionable clothes, drove the finest car of the day, had a great watch, or some other material possession. At most, we remember, or we were told, whether or not they were involved in their family, in their work, and in service to a cause bigger than themselves. We remember if they were kind and helpful or mean and hurtful.

In terms of reaching our potential, it would be great to have a few generations along the family tree not only “just remember us,” but remember us as kind, helpful, productive, and committed to our family and to a worthy cause…the things that matter most.

As we think about leaving a legacy, here are a few practical considerations:
1) We need to be intentional with our efforts to leave a legacy as there is a great risk of being forgotten. Like many important endeavors, intentional effort begins with a big dream or idea, followed by the very practical steps of making a plan and then the discipline to work the plan. Leaving a legacy within our families is too important to just “wing it.”
2) As the saying goes, our thoughts turn into actions; our actions turn into habits; our habits develop our character; and our character becomes our legacy. Leaving a legacy starts in our thought life. When our thoughts, that drive decisions and then actions, are grounded in principles like commitment, loyalty, and sacrifice, we build and strengthen our character and Character Creates Opportunity® to leave the legacy we all desire.

I wish you all the best in leaving the legacy you desire. It is never too early for us to start. We only have that great unknown which is “the rest of our lives” to make progress.

 

Analysis-Paralysis is a common phrase describing the grind that goes on with over analyzing a situation so that a decision or action is never taken, or taken so late, it misses the intended opportunity. The first time I heard a similar expression – “He who hesitates is lost, Esposito!!”- I was a stutter stepping tailback trying to find an open hole in the defense to gain a few yards.

There is a cost to indecision and hesitation.

In organizations, families, and on the individual level, the cost is somewhat the same:
(1) Missed Opportunity. We miss the chance to capitalize on an opportunity. Whether it is a business deciding to acquire a new technology or a spouse deciding “the right time” for an important conversation, the window of opportunity closes pretty fast around the things that matter most.
(2) Drain on Energy. We spend a great deal of physical and emotional energy in the continual cycle of debate, discussion, analysis, and hidden agendas, that when we finally make a decision, we have limited energy to execute on it.
(3) Failure to learn. Benjamin Franklin once said, “The things which hurt, instruct.” In not making a decision, many times we postpone relevant learning and personal growth.

In an effort to encourage more efficient decision making, it is important we face a few realities: In the complexity of life, we rarely have all the necessary information, the facts are not always gathered, and quite often there is not a clear cut answer. Regardless, the situation still demands a decision and an action. If the decision is pretty straight-forward, then we better get in the habit of making them quickly and spending our effort in adding value in more complex areas otherwise we risk being replaced by a computer with an algorithm in work or becoming irrelevant in the home.

Assessing the complex situations and making the tough decisions is what we get paid to do in the workplace and what we are called to do as parents or guardians.

Here are a few suggestions to support and encourage decisiveness in our lives:
(1) Don’t wing it. That may sound counter to the above comments, but when we just “go with our gut,” we run a big risk of becoming “extinct by instinct.” We have a responsibility to be intentional with our effort and that requires thought to determine direction. Winging it is not responsible behavior with respect to the important things in life.
(2) Alignment. Our first checkpoint should be to ensure a potential decision aligns with our intent (insert whatever descriptor you wish to use: mission, purpose, core values, principles, etc.). If a potential decision causes us to compromise our intent, we should quickly and clearly make our “NO” really mean “NO” and move on.
(3) Sooner rather than later. Through a fair amount of very personal one on one discussions with individuals around issues in the workplace or in the home, combined with my own journey in the workplace and at home, most of us “shuffle our feet” too long in the grey zone of “maybe” or “someday” instead of YES or NO today. For the things that matter most, our organizations and our families will be better off with a YES or a NO rather than a “maybe” or a “someday.”

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.” Theodore Roosevelt

As we efficiently step up and make decisions to get “in the arena” of life, we will build and strengthen our character and Character Creates Opportunity® to reach out full potential.